Ladies and gentleman, the moment is here. It’s time to announce your 2011-12 NBA All-Alien Team, aka “The Sam Cassell All-Stars” headlined by founding member and third-year Head Coach Sam “E.T.” Cassell.
If you undergo the traumatizing experience of witnessing one of these “men” ooze across your home NBA floor, I feel for you. The solutions are simple. Never look it in the eye. If you wear glasses, don’t. And if you have perfect vision, may the lord have mercy on your soul.
In addition to Mr. Cassell here are your five starters for the new year with returning assistant coach, the ever handsome, Popeye Jones.
Position: Head Coach
Stats: Founder of the Sam Cassell All-Stars back in 2010, 10X Mr. Alien of the Year, Current ambassador from Mars.
Position: Assistant Coach
Nickname: The Ear-itator
Stats: Second-year coach who’s main duty involves crowd control for when his players tarnish the court.
Charles Jenkins (Rookie)
Position: Point Guard
Nickname: The Head
Stats: This NBA rookie and first time All-Alien member has a unique head-to-body ratio, fit for any alien baller.
Nickname: Run N Hide
Stats: The 2X Sam Cassel All-Star is of the utmost grime. Get to know this abomination on the eyes in this eye-opening film below.
Stats: Most disheveled hair style in the league and 3X Sam Cassel All Star.
Stats: While it’s his first year on the squad, he’s been frightening folks since his days at Iowa. We’re thrilled to have Reginald this year and hope he keeps up his ugly all year long.
Nickname: The Caveman, Whitey, Peek-a-boo
Stats: 3X Sam Cassell All-Star, 5X NBA’s Mr. Grimy, 0 hours spent washing/cutting his hair over the last ten years.