2012 NBA All-Alien Team: The Sam Cassell All Stars

Ladies and gentleman, the moment is here. It’s time to announce your 2011-12 NBA All-Alien Team, aka “The Sam Cassell All-Stars” headlined by founding member and third-year Head Coach Sam “E.T.” Cassell.

If you undergo the traumatizing experience of witnessing one of these “men” ooze across your home NBA floor, I feel for you. The solutions are simple. Never look it in the eye. If you wear glasses, don’t. And if you have perfect vision, may the lord have mercy on your soul.

In addition to Mr. Cassell here are your five starters for the new year with returning assistant coach, the ever handsome, Popeye Jones.

Sam Cassell

Position: Head Coach

Nickname: E.T.

Stats: Founder of the Sam Cassell All-Stars back in 2010, 10X Mr. Alien of the Year, Current ambassador from Mars.

Popeye Jones

Position: Assistant Coach

Nickname: The Ear-itator

Stats: Second-year coach who’s main duty involves crowd control for when his players tarnish the court.

Charles Jenkins (Rookie)

Position: Point Guard

Nickname: The Head

Stats: This NBA rookie  and first time All-Alien member has a unique head-to-body ratio, fit for any alien baller.

Delonte West

Position: Guard

Nickname: Run N Hide

Stats: The 2X Sam Cassel All-Star is of the utmost grime. Get to know this abomination on the eyes in this eye-opening film below.

Joakim Noah

Position: Forward

Nickname: It

Stats: Most disheveled hair style in the league and 3X Sam Cassel All Star.

Reggie Evans

Position: Forward

Nickname: Halloween

Stats: While it’s his first year on the squad, he’s been frightening folks since his days at Iowa. We’re thrilled to have Reginald this year and hope he keeps up his ugly all year long.

Chris Kaman

Position: Center

Nickname: The Caveman, Whitey, Peek-a-boo

Stats: 3X Sam Cassell All-Star, 5X NBA’s Mr. Grimy, 0 hours spent washing/cutting his hair over the last ten years.